When I was in my twenties, I thought I was mature for my age. It turned out when things didn’t go my way, I tended to be negative and nice instead of genuinely in tune with my feelings. When friends cancelled on me, I wouldn’t respond to their messages, almost holding them in some sort of guilty jail. When someone asked if I was mad at them, I didn’t say yes but gave a sour look as if all my facial expressions read that I was made or upset. When there was an argument, I fell toward the victim role instantly.
Then, when I began working, and when friendships become fewer, passive aggressive didn’t work anymore. I had to be held accountable for my actions and realizing that other friends were pulling the passive aggressiveness on me, I realized overtime I had let them become this way.
Oprah says her favorite lesson to learn is that you believe someone when you see them act around other people. When you’re at a restaurant, how does that person treat the waiter? When they talk to others, how do they speak to them?
Here are some red flags for passive aggressive behavior:
Friendly one day, withdrawn the next
Denial of feelings
Tasks completed but done in an unsatisfactory way (intentionally)
Not taking responsibility
Hold grudges
Psychology Today says the following statements passive aggressive tend to say: “I’m not mad, fine, whatever, you what everything to be perfect, I thought you knew.”
So how do we deal with a friend or coworker who could possibly be one?
1) Ignore the negative behavior. Passive aggressive behavior looks to see if they can take control and power of a situation. When it’s not rewarded or valued by the other person, the behavior decreases. When you’re not sure if they are being passive aggressive, give them the benefit of the doubt the first time.
2) Directness is key. Use statements like “we” and “I.” Passive aggressive people look for victimization so it’s important to say how you feel about the situation.
3) Don’t engage in their behavior. Giving them passive aggressiveness is opening the gate for dooming relationship.
4) Call them immediately. A friend of mine loves to text as most of my other friends do but the part that becomes passive aggressive is when she doesn’t like something, she won’t respond and gives short one word messages. The best way to confront it was to call her, leave a message and she would call back. It turned out her behavior decreased immediately once I called her. Set up the expectation that you don’t tolerate that behavior.
5) Note all negativity behavior. If you’re going to confront the behavior, use statements like “I noticed you were mad when we had the get-together.” Or “you seem upset, is there something I can help with?” They may appear avoidant of talking of their emotions but this is prime for allowing them to express themselves since behaviorally they can easily do it. I often found if I was empathetic, and sided with them, they tended to be less passive aggressive.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201011/10-things-passive-aggressive-people-say
Comments