I didn’t think I was a perfectionist until I started taking courses at a community college. In fact, the last few years were completely devoted to work. Work did not require a great deal of perfectionism. You did the work and if your boss mentioned to fix something, you did it with no hesitation. I believed I could handle feedback and criticism well. Then, as I progressed up the science course ladder, things started to change. With my final semester at the community college, the last course was soul-sucking part of my life. I devoted almost half as many hours as I worked, mind you I worked a regular forty-hour job. I almost became ferocious at wanting the best score despite a hard grade teacher.
Then came the grades which were C’s. They were blows to the ego. My mood became contingent on how I did in the class. With all my might, I tried to head home without snapping at my family. I tried remembering all the humbling things in the world, people starving, people with no homes, people, who have a hard time breathing. I took a jog to burn off the thoughts. I tried focusing on the breath and being mindful to reduce it. I watched TV to get the thoughts from stopping. To no avail, I woke up in the middle of the night. I tossed and turned, and thoughts came flooding in about the class.
A recent study from HBR found that perfectionism in someone’s life was connected to higher levels of burnout, stress, workaholism, anxiety, and depression.
There are two types of tendencies based on HBR Research. The first was excellence-seeking perfectionism. The person becomes highly obsessive on meeting high standards. They hold high standards for themselves and others in their lives. The other tendency is failure-avoiding perfectionism. A person becomes so concerned that they avoid failing to reach high performance standards.
If you fall into these tendencies, see if the following characteristics describe you, from Psychology Today:
1) You have the following thoughts: all or nothing “I got a bad grade so I might do bad in the class.” These thoughts often occur when you respond to a negative event and believe the rest of the outcome will be that way.
2) You tend to stay focused on something you made a mistake. (This is me over and over again). I often ruminate on the situation that occurred down to the very details that replay in my mind. This often leads to a terrible, sinkhole cycle.
3) Procrastination. Surprisingly, if you find yourself procrasti-cleaning or doing something in the way of the actual task because you are afraid of failure, then you may be a perfectionist. This is highly paired with the failure-avoiding perfectionism. You may be finding ways to keep yourself from the task because we are afraid we might not do well in the end.
So let’s agree you may be a perfectionist. Is it beneficial? Yes it can be to your advantage to go above and beyond your expectations. Other times, it’s detrimental to your health. This can be especially true if you focus on the project and no forward progress has been made. Or your perfectionist attitude alienates friends, colleagues, and family members.
Thrive Global points out an important note. What tone do you take when something negative happens in your life like a loss in a relationship, job, school performance? That is the truly telling tale of how you need to take care of yourself.
Do you shrug it off? Negative self talk? Move on? Dwell? Obsessive? Relive that scenario?
Ask yourself this very question: What would happen if you saw your four year old self when you stepped out the door? Would you hug them, console them, and tell them everything will be okay? If you said yes, then why do you harm yourself with those negative thoughts like you’re almost kicking and batting down on yourself?
Sometimes the very thing we think is our problem is actually the symptom.
Perfectionist lies deeper than reaching for the highest bar, being the top of the class. It’s an underlying current of the relationship we have with ourselves and with the people we love. If it’s a battle in your mind, it’s a battle with the love that you have with yourself.
How do we find acceptance and self-compassion in ourselves?
1) Believe your self worth and your value. Just because this happened to me doesn’t diminish who I am and my worth to others.
2) You are loved. If you have one friend, family, or partner who cares about you, you are loved. External factors that try to take you down, can’t take down your support you have.
3) Have a tantrum, let it out. Then remember, tomorrow is a brand new day, and a brand new experience. Move forward.
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