Many moons ago I dated a guy who I was over the moon with. Attractive, strong-willed in a good way, and loving. There was this slight need to fill the gap in his life and I seemed to fit right in. We both somehow needed each other at that moment.
The honeymoon period was like happiness every minute of the day. After work, I would drive almost an hour to see him, spend the night, then drive out in the morning back to work. We spent nights watching TV, sports, and eating out at random cheap fast food restaurants.
There were moments that for every passionate moment we had passionate fights. His work was the very cause of his overwhelming moodiness. I'd come to his place, happy and ready to hang out, and he would give a sad, mad angry look that made me realize tonight was going to be a cheerleader night.
"It sucks. I sit in this warehouse everyday, not seeing the sun, sorting this S* out and come home." He said curtly and sadly. I looked at him, worried, and unsure of what to do. My burgeoning experience as a therapist wanted to start going through the process of "therapizing" him but that was unethical and bad boundary crossing.
There were times we would stay in because his energy was low, and didn't want to be around people. There were even times he wanted to be by himself even though I argued to come over to cheer him up. I would buy his favorite chicken rice bowl, or fried chicken. I would try to find some activity like a baseball game to go to.
Initially, the small gestures worked like a blown up balloon hovering over a candle. They would pop by the time the evening was over and his depression had delivered itself on the front stoop.
I started to find out ways to help him feel stronger inside since the external activities were slightly helpful. I encouraged him to stay in contact with his friends. His social relationships would be the springback net, I figured. Unfortunately, that also was a temporary fix, covering the wounds, instead of treating the problem. Vacations also helped but became depressingly sad at the end as he ultimately had work.
So then I went to help him find a new job. This was more difficult to do as his motivation was there but it was like fighting to put words on his cover letter. He didn't believe those things we wrote together: hardworking, persistent, determined. "How can I write these if that's not something I am?" We spent 15 minutes arguing about what he believed.
The days started to feel harder and harder. What could I do to help him push through this? Clearly, he was adamant that he didn't want to see a therapist. The very vein of my own professional work, believing therapy was the strong foundation to deal with depression.
"You can't always be the cheerleader." My friend said over the phone as I began to loose energy in our relationship. "If one day you have a bad day, who is going to cheer you up?"
Here's a few things I've learned to help someone who has depression:
1) Listen with grace, patience, and understanding. This sounds like the easiest piece of advice to give but trust me, this was the hardest thing to do for a partner. You may be their only guiding light, hope, and support in their darkness. They are in the middle of their storm, a long storm that requires waiting.
As a therapist, empathy (Not sympathy) is powerful. Here's a little trick to help you invoke empathy. Provide feedback that provides listening with feeling. "You're mad that work doesn't give you that challenge you need." Or "you're hurt and I'm here to listen."
2) Exercise together. This was something that kept depression from bubbling over more often then less. His motivation to look good helped. We did weights together, walked around the neighborhood, and he went to the gym to run. As research has already found, and you may already know, exercise has been proven to effectively fight long term depression, naturally.
3) Cook and eat healthy together. Our fast food indulgences were negatively impacting his ability to cope with his depression. Sometimes, I think about the power of having a healthy meal, feeling lighter, and focused could have helped. Go to the market to not only encourage regular daily activity but also incite some interest in doing an activity together.
4) Provide notes, sporadically, informing them you care. They are small acts that do add up overtime. Sometimes, reading a note from a love one is more powerful than words.
5) Take care of yourself. You love this person dearly and want the best for them. As the self-care blog's mission statement "take care of yourself first," this ultimately will help you help your loved ones. Hang out with your friends or see a professional counselor or therapist. They may be able to provide you some effective ways handle stress. Remember they are not ready until they will be.
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